if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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