I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize