I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Randomize
