I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
