you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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