I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I just saw a hot homeless man
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
