Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
