Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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