I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize