Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Randomize
