I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
