I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
