New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Randomize
