Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
