Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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