That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize