people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
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