This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
