I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
