Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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