I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
