Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Randomize
