My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
