brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
We were destined to go to rehab together
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
