oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
