Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
