So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
