i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
