Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
