I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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