my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize