Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
