Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
