my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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