i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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