i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Randomize
