Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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