so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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