I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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