OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
