When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
