If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
