I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
