oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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