omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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