if i can run in heels then i can drive
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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