I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
so let's talk penis.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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