She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
