My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
