my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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