How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
