lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
