Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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