im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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