I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Randomize
