I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
