Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
