i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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