You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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