Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
