i don't like sucking hair
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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