I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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