Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
