wanna go halves on a baby?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I smell like Dick and happiness
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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