Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
