New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
