Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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