I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
