if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
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