How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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