Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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