Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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