k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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