Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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