Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
