I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
