He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize