You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
