I could make wine with my vomit
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
